


When Silence Becomes Golden

by BuckyAndDanno



Category: 9-1-1 (TV), Chicago Fire, Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Dad!Buck, Dad!Jay, Evan "Buck" Buckley Deserves Better, Evan Buckley-Severide, M/M, SecretlyMarried!Buck, Severide Bros, Sort Of, True Love, impulse marriage, other characters appear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-13 08:26:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29025699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BuckyAndDanno/pseuds/BuckyAndDanno
Summary: Post-Lawsuit. Bobby transfers Buck to a different shift under Captain Simmons. He tells himself that it’s for both of them. He’s still hurt, but he also knows that he can’t keep a clear head when it comes to Buck; that he cares about him too much. Only, for the rest of the team it further punctuates their own feelings, and widens the chasm between them and Buck. For Buck, seeing Bosko in his place hurts more than words can describe, yet a week off in Chicago with his brother gives him a lot more than he ever thought he deserved. When tragedy strikes, can apologies be made and rifts healed?
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Jay Halstead
Comments: 20
Kudos: 375





	When Silence Becomes Golden

**Author's Note:**

> So this idea spawned from my reading a couple of ‘Secretly married Buck’ fics and thinking ‘but what if it wasn’t Eddie, and what if it was during the lawsuit arc?’ Also, I was then watching videos on YT of people meeting their grandchildren for the first time and that made me want surprise Daddy!Buck too lol  Enjoy!
> 
> Disclaimer: I don’t own 9-1-1, Chicago PD or Chicago Fire!

The door to the Rage Room seems to sense Buck’s uneasiness, creaking open with a squeak that sounds like a cry, and then he’s face to face with Bobby for the first time since the dreaded meeting where Mackey laid everything out on the table.

Buck’s stomach flips, not for the first time since Bobby had called him to tell him to come, and it’s almost like he can’t remember the time when Bobby had made him feel safe and wanted for the first time in his life. It feels so long – a lifetime – ago, and it may as well be. For Buck, life hasn’t been anything like it was since the moment the truck blew up.

That was all everything boiled down to now really; pre-truck and post-truck.

Post-truck time sucked, royally, and this was simply the cherry on the unwanted cake.

He watches Bobby’s face flit between several warring emotions before settling on an unnerving, blank mask. Finally, after several beats, he says, “you’re being reinstated tomorrow.”

For all that Buck had imagined this moment, the expression on Bobby’s face tells him that it isn’t something to be excited about. If anything, it simply makes his stomach twist further. It’s not much of a shock then when Bobby continues.

“The department gave me the option of transferring you.”

And there it was.

The stinger buried into the middle of the cake, hidden and waiting, for the unassuming idiot that decided to take a bite. Thankfully, Buck knows better by now. He’s spent enough of his years running and hiding from people who want to hate him. He stayed as far away from the tempting bait as possible.

Still, he can’t hide the flinch that the words cause.

He might have expected something more than simply being invited here, and yet… there was a part of him that had desperately hoped all the same.

“Okay…” He can’t hide the shake from his voice either, as much as he desperately tries to stay strong. As much as he desperately wants to act like he doesn’t need them – like they don’t seem to need him – he can’t fake it. He can’t pretend this isn’t tearing him up inside.

Then Bobby sighs, and the hope that was buried deep down within him seems to flare, just slightly.

“I said no.” The hope flares again, but the Captain is quick to quash it down once more. “You will however be moved to B shift, under Captain Simmons.”

He can’t help the bitter laugh that bubbles up then, berating himself for ever thinking they could be okay again. “Can’t deal with me anymore, huh?”

“Buck…” Bobby sighs again, and it’s a sound that Buck has heard so many times that he really can’t blame Bobby for having had enough of him. I mean, his parents had, and they’re supposed to love him unconditionally so… what did Bobby owe him, really?

“I get it.” He just shakes his head, hand clinging to the door frame and half turning. “I messed up.” Then, to himself, he adds. “I always do.”

Bobby seems to hear him though, a flicker of something more passing over his face, but then Buck is turning and heading out the door, desperate almost for the cold night air. He feels too hot and sick and just tired of always failing – always losing things – and he doesn’t want to stick around any longer to know just how bad he’s made this.

“I… have a thing.”

It’s a lie, and Bobby knows that, but he doesn’t call him out on it, simply lets Buck all but run away from them.

He stands there long enough to hear the crunch of gravel and the squeal as the jeep pulls away, and then he’s scrubbing his hands over his face like the short conversation has aged him another ten years.

He wanted to tell Buck that he was wrong. That it was Bobby himself who had messed up, and now he didn’t know how to fix it other than by putting Buck under someone else’s command. He knows he can’t be unbiased when it comes to the kid, wants nothing more than to protect him, and that’s why it hurts so much that Buck filed the lawsuit.

He knows he can’t be a captain over a father when it comes to Buck.

Yet as he stares at the space when Buck had been, he wonders if he just made another mistake all over again.

The dread he had felt at the Rage Room seems to increase exponentially with every moment that passes before he starts his shift. He sleeps restlessly, dreading the 9am roll call and everything it would bring.

It wasn’t even that he disliked Captain Simmons. He’d actually barely had a conversation with the man in all his time under Bobby’s command.

It was more that he had no idea where Simmons or his team stood regarding Buck’s actions.

Was he simply changing one hellish situation for another?

Was he walking into a lion’s den, just waiting to eat him for breakfast?

The proud red bricked building that had once housed so much of him now seems bleak and foreboding. Every inch of happiness that Buck had ever felt for it now seemed to have disappeared, and the dread seemed to serve in making his feet heavier, dragging with every step.

For the first time, he realises that he doesn’t actually want to go in there.

For all he’d fought to get back here, he now almost wishes he hadn’t bothered. In trying to get back to his family, all he’d done was lose them and ostracise himself.

For a moment, he almost turns around.

Then a voice calls out to him, “Hey Buckley!” and any chance he had to leave is gone.

He recognises Mereen from B-Shift, having worked with her a couple of times on larger scale incidents that overlapped their teams, and gives her a small, shy smile.

God, it’s like starting back at the 118 all over again.

“Mereen.” He greets her with a nod. “Nice to see you again.”

It’s formal, yet polite; keeping his distance until he knows whether or not he’s going to need to defend himself.

He doesn’t at all expect her to pull him into a side hug, bumping their shoulders, nor the grin that slips onto her face with ease. “We’re excited to have you aboard.”

He can’t stop the “You are?” that slips from his mouth without thought. He might have hoped that he wouldn’t be met with hostility, but he certainly hadn’t even dared to think that they might have **wanted** him.

Surely it was a trick, right? Lower his guard and then they can hit his weak spots?

Except, she seems genuinely happy at his presence, nodding with the speed of a chipmunk on caffine. “Yep, yep. Nate’s been dying to test his rescue skills against you. He’s usually our rescue guy.”

He must still seem hesitant, because between one second and the next – between her all but pulling him inside and his eyes landing on the balcony upstairs and his new awaiting Captain – she says softly. “You’re safe with us, Buck.”

She seems so genuine, and he wants nothing more than to believe her, and yet he can’t quite bring himself to. He’s been hurt too many times before, and he doesn’t know how he can trust someone again, especially so easily. Unable to bring himself to reply, he simply nods, then heads up the stairs towards Captain Simmons.

“Buckley!” The man too is beaming at him as he approaches, and Buck really has to double take there and ask himself if it’s April Fool’s day. “Glad to have you on board!” He grabs Buck’s limp hand and shakes it, then gestures into the Captain’s office. While Buck knows the room from whenever Bobby had called him in, he finds himself surveying the side that holds Simmons’ possessions. The first thing he notices is the array of picture frames that decorate the sideboard – unlike Bobby who keeps only two – showing various people of different ages and genders. He assumes they’re Simmons’ family, and finds his eyes glued to the specific image of what he assumes is a father and daughter.

“My son and granddaughter.” Simmons fills in for him, smiling over at the frame. “Two of the greatest joys in my life.” He catches Buck’s panicked expression at being caught, and just laughs. “You have kids, Buckley?”

He shakes his head, feeling like he’s been called to the principal’s office, mute out of worry and confusion. “No, sir.”

Simmons just balks out another laugh, waving at him to take a seat. “Okay, first rule here. No _sir_ , okay? I may be a grandfather but I’m not that old. Just Paul will do. Captain if we’re in the field. Second, stop looking like a deer caught in the headlights. I’m sure Mer already gave you a good welcome, but here in B, we’re family, you got that?”

“I… uh…” He’s honestly not sure what to say to that. He’d thought Bobby and the team were family, and look where that got him.

“Buck.” Simmons moves out from behind the desk, settling into the seat next to Buck on the other side instead. He reaches a hand out, settling gently yet firmly on Buck’s shoulder. “I mean it, okay? Look, I respect Bobby a hell of a lot. He’s a great Captain, but when it comes to you – ignoring your medical directive which cleared you – I don’t agree with him.”

Buck feels his eyes widen and jaw slacken a little. “You… don’t…?”

“No.” Simmons sighs, settling back into the chair, hand dropping. In that moment, he doesn’t look like the Captain that Buck had been dreading speaking to. He just looks like a man who’s trying to do the right thing, and Buck feels that little bud of hope that Bobby had so severely crushed blossom once more. “I’m not going to talk about it much, because it’s in the past, but you did nothing wrong son. Okay? And also, Bobby may have chosen to transfer you from A Shift, but it wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t agree to take you, and guess what?” He pauses for a split second. “I’ve been angling to get you on my team for almost a year now.”

Buck opens his mouth to speak again, but Simmons just waves him away with a smile, settling back on the other side of the desk. “You’re a damn good firefighter, Evan, and I’m proud to have you with us. The question is, are you willing to give us a chance?”

He wants to. Oh, he damn well wants to.

So he does.

Simmons introduces him to the rest of the team, compromised of Mereen, Ito and Nathanial (Nate, preferably), who work on the truck, and partners Rebecca (Bex) and Celeste, who are predominantly paramedics.

“You’re married?” He blinks at Bex and Celeste, then looks back at Simmons. “And Bo… A shift only had –“

Simmons, as seems common for him, just laughs. “There’s nothing against it in the regs, and they work more professionally than a lot of people I’ve seen. As for the team size, Captain Nash is… different.”

Buck wonders what the man had meant to say at first, but doesn’t question it. He actually appreciates a slightly larger team.

“You’re gonna be my partner.” Nate grins at him, clapping Buck on the back. He’s tall and lithe just as Buck is, and Buck does wonder if that’s part of why Mereen called him the ‘rescue guy’. “And I’ve got your back, bud.”

For the first time, Buck manages an actual genuine smile at the thought of being out on calls again. “And I’ve got yours.”

The look Nate gives him then is nothing short of serious, so his words “I know you do” hit Buck deep. He turns, blinking back the tears that threaten to spill over, and then smiles brightly at the entire team.

“I can’t wait to see what we can do.”

As if on cue, the alarms start blaring, and then they’re racing to the truck and their gear; the familiar turnout coat settling snuggly around him like an old friend.

For the first time in a long while, Evan Buckley feels at home.

The house fire takes a lot out of them, but Buck finds himself working smoothly with Nate, as if they’d been partners for years. It reminds him of Eddie, a thought that saddens the joyful rush of adrenaline that’s filling his system, but he quashes it quickly, focusing on the job at hand.

They’re the first in the building, calling out for the single trapped male inside, and radioing each other frequently as to their positions. Feet stretch out in front, testing the floorboards. When a section snaps in front of Buck, his reflexes pulling him back instantly, Nate is in his ear in a split second, calling out if he’s okay.

Buck replies that he is and carries on the search, but the action sends warmth flooding through him. When he finds the man, he and Nate work seamlessly to get him out, and then they’re clapping each other on the back and laughing with relief.

This, Buck remembers, is what he was born to do.

There’s talk in the truck of going out for drinks to celebrate Buck’s first day, but then they arrive back at the station – late – and see the start of A-Shift coming in, and Buck’s mood sours instantly.

Mereen must notice the change in his expression though, because she’s quickly out of the truck, wrapping her arm around him and heading over to the locker rooms. “It was a great save, Buck.” She says rather loudly, and were his heart not pounding in his chest, he might have found it comical. Instead he simply gives her a watery smile, and heads into the showers to clean off before he can head home.

The drain is circled with dark grime by the time he’s finished, but it seems to have washed away everything bad, not just the smoke and ash, and he actually feels okay by the time he leaves. A-Shift has already started – he can hear them discussing chores in the loft – so he manages to slip out without catching any unwanted attention.

He can’t block out the sound of Bosko though, and the hurt pokes through his calm, just a bit.

Then he sees Eddie.

The man looks tired and worn, and for a long moment Buck just wants to ask if he’s okay, if he can help, but then Eddie’s eyes are narrowing, hardening as they land on Buck, and everything in him just deflates.

No words pass between them, Eddie stalking into the building like Buck isn’t even there, and it hurts more than words can say. Or, maybe not quite that much, because then – of course – he sees Christopher, and the cry of delight from the boy that is so quickly smothered by his father turning and saying that Carla needs to get him home so he can do his homework, that… that is what hurts him the most.

“Eddie…”

Eddie’s eyes are like daggers. “Don’t.”

Buck stumbles like it was a physical blow, and it’s only by the grace that Nate is behind him that he doesn’t actually fall. The other man slips an arm around his shoulders, glaring back at Eddie, then smiling at Buck. “Come on Bucky. Drinks on me.”

Then he’s leading Buck around to the side of the parking lot, and it’s almost like he can breathe again.

“T-Thanks…” He manages, shakily.

Nate just continues to smile. “That’s what friends are for.”

It might not be what he had with Eddie, but he’s never been more thankful to have Nate be willing to be there for him.

He turns down drinks though, heading back to his apartment alone, and it’s there, on his couch, that he actually manages to contemplate the day.

In some ways it had been so much better than he had thought it would be, but in some ways it was also worse.

And why was Eddie specifically so pissed at him?

He’d sued Bobby and the department, not Eddie, and yes okay it didn’t seem like the Captain had forgiven him at all for it, but why was that Eddie’s burden to take on as well?

He remembers the grocery store argument like it was yesterday, remembers the spittle and the dark words thrown at him by the person he’d once called his best friend and yet… was it true?

Had it been his fault, regardless of what Simmons had said?

Had he been completely selfish?

Maybe, he thinks, but then a deeper part of him asks;

_But who **was** thinking about you?_

It says;

_Sometimes you **need** to be selfish._

And maybe it’s right. Maybe he’s spent so long hoping for people to care about him and being let down, that he deserves to be selfish for a change.

Maybe he deserves to think about himself more.

Maybe he should have just left LA when he had the chance.

A knock at the door sends his train of thought crashing to a halt, frown marring his features. Reluctantly, he steps towards the front door, unsure, and then a booming voice echoes through the cracks.

“Yo Bucky!”

Nate.

Again there’s something that blossoms inside his chest, a sprig of hope unfurling, and he can’t stop the smile that graces his face as he opens the door.

“I thought you were going out for drinks?”

Nate just shrugs. “My partner needed me more.”

And that’s how they end up lounged on the couch, clinking beer bottles, watching sports, and as the night progresses with laughter and smiles, Buck can’t help but wonder if maybe, just maybe, he’s going to be okay.

He calls his therapist the next day, and the proud smile that Thomas gives him when he talks about maybe letting people in again does wonders for that bud of hope still blooming inside him.

It had taken him a long time to trust someone to that extent again, spurred by his ostracisation from the team and need to speak to someone, but he’s now glad that he did. To have someone like Thomas in his corner without question, helping him through everything and reassuring him that Captain Simmons was right, and he hadn’t done anything wrong, was a god send; especially when he was trying to figure out whether it was indeed the right move to let his new team in.

“Sometimes the only person holding you back is yourself.” Thomas tells him, and it’s something that Buck contemplates on for a while that afternoon.

He could have ignored Benny’s disinterest in him, rather than trying so hard to please the man that he ended up making himself miserable and wrecked his relationship with his brother.

He could have stayed in rescue, found his calling in Chicago, but he’d been too scared at the idea of being alone there, that he ran away instead.

He could have been a SEAL, but he chose to drop out rather than make the commitment, scared of losing himself in the process.

And now, he could have made different choices after the truck exploded, yet he’d let his fear of being left behind dictate his life once more.

The notion hits him hard, leaving him almost breathless, and before he can even try to talk himself out of it, he’s pulling out his phone and dialing that all too familiar phone number.

“Severide.”

All the air leaves him at once, yet he manages somehow to squeak out, “Kelly?”

A beat, then. “Evan?”

“I’m sorry.” He says before he forgets his courage. “I’m sorry I pushed you away. I’m sorry I ruined everything.”

“Kid, you never had anything to be sorry for.”

It only takes those words for every single wall that Evan had put up around himself to come crashing down, and then he’s explaining everything to his brother, saying how much he has missed him, and how hard things have been lately. Before he knows it, they’re making plans for Evan to come to Chicago the next month, vowing to talk more often, and then he’s lying in bed feeling so much lighter.

Maybe, he realises, the only doubt he ever had to overcome was his own.

It doesn’t fix everything, of course, because that would be too simple. Bobby’s actions still hurt him, as his did them, but he realises that maybe he doesn’t need to make everything better all the time. That sometimes things just broke, but he needed to believe in his own self-worth enough to know that it wasn’t always his fault – that humans as a species were always flawed – and to move on and find something else.

To not hold himself back from finding other happiness.

Instead he lets his new team in, and there isn’t a moment where he regrets it.

Over the next month they become incredibly close – a family, just like Simmons said – and most of the time he manages to forget how things once were. Well, not forget, but he certainly doesn’t dwell on it as much.

It doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt when he does see them, when he sees Eddie – **Bosko** – and remembers, just for a moment, where he used to belong.

But it’s certainly getting better, at least.

He doesn’t quite react as much when he sees them now, doesn’t let the looks – or lackthereof – get to him, instead focusing on those he knows he can trust. When he hits the end of his first month back and Mereen surprises him with a cake, the festivities extending slightly over their end time and into the arrival of Bobby’s team, he doesn’t let their appearance marr his enjoyment. He continues laughing and goofing around with Nate, hugs Mer tightly, and refuses to turn when he feels their eyes on him.

In the end, they all made mistakes, but they’re the ones who chose to let him go.

So let them see what they left behind.

Let them see that he’s okay without them.

It’s a week later when he travels to Chicago, and seeing his brother for the first time in years is like finally being able to breathe. Tears prick at his eyes, and then Kelly is pulling him into the tightest hug, and Buck just lets it all go.

“I’ve got you kiddo.” Kelly whispers softly, tears leaking down his cheeks also, and Buck just manages a watery smile in response.

He knows they have a lot more they should talk about, more even than their nightly conversations have gotten through, but he’s only here for a few days; he wants to enjoy it all, not dwell on the past.

He wants to look to the future.

It’s not like he’s anywhere near planning out even the next year, nevermind any longer; all he knows is that he needs his brother back in his life, and Kelly is more than happy to oblige.

Then Kelly takes him out, introduces him to one of his friends at Chicago PD, and the future seems to come into focus an awful lot quicker than he’d imagined.

Jay Halstead is smart, funny, kind, and – like Buck – knows what it’s like to care about people a hell of a lot more than they seem to care about you. They hang out several times over the course of the week that Buck is in Chicago, and it’s not even that he learns a lot about the man, but he also finds himself talking too about so many things he’d usually kept so closely guarded. It’s almost like they recognise the kindred spirit in each other, the multitude of shared experiences, and almost instinctively bare their souls out in response.

They laugh, they cry, they bond, and it actually gets to a point where Buck finds himself apologising to Kelly for not spending more time with him.

Kelly, thankfully, simply chuckles and gives him a sly wink. “It’s about time Jay got back out there. Just let me know when I need to give him the shovel talk.”

Buck blushes profusely and scarpers outside for the next five minutes. Not surprisingly when he returns, Jay and Kelly seem to be conversing on a more serious level, and then Jay is looking over at him, and Buck feels his entire body zing.

It’s like nothing he’d ever felt before, not even in his failed year crushing very hard on one Eddie Diaz before everything turned to shit, and it scares him to his core to know that one person can seemingly provoke such a response in him. But then, he remembers Thomas’ words, remembers his vow to himself not to hold back, to go for what he wants, and in that instant, he knows he wants Jay.

Not that he’s going back to Buck 1.0. He also vowed that that would never happen either. What he wants is much deeper than that, and it’s the flash of a future he’d scarcely ever imagined he would be worthy of.

He wants love and support, communication and understanding, all the things that his former team had not shown him in so long and yet Jay has shown him in less than a week.

So when Jay comes over and asks him to dinner that evening, he says yes.

Kelly just winks; “I’ve already said my piece.”

“God,” Buck laughs as they leave the bar they’d been in, “I’ve missed him and yet – “

“You want to kill him?” Jay laughs, finishing the sentence. “I’d know where to hide the body.”

Buck balks in response, looping his hand into Jay’s. Both blush, but neither pulls away, and after two days of wining and dining, they agree to a long distance relationship for now.

Jay doesn’t have that much tying him to Chicago, and his relationship with his teammates has been strained for a while. He explains briefly about Erin and Haley, about Antonio and Voight’s distrust of him at times, and their tendency to treat him like a child, and how he’s been thinking about leaving for a while now. Still, his mother is here, and for now that’s what has been keeping him in the city.

Buck too doesn’t have an awful lot tying him to LA, but he and Maddie had promised to not leave each other again, and he had come to find a family in his new team, so he at least wanted to stay there for now.

Their first kiss happens at the airport, the moment Buck’s flight is called. There’s a split second where Jay doesn’t seem to know what he wants to do, and then there’s the lightest shrug of his shoulders and he’s sweeping Evan into his arms and kissing him softly.

A whoop and a holler comes from Kelly, but Evan’s focus is entirely on the man holding him so wonderfully close, and the lips on his.

Then it’s over and he’s on the plane, red faced and both full of joy and sad at the same time, wondering just how this is ever going to work. Still, no barriers, he tells himself.

They’ll make it work.

In amidst work and his daily calls to Kelly, he also speaks to Jay nightly on video. Sometimes they talk about how their days have been, and sometimes they talk about more serious things. Sometimes they just laugh and joke or watch a movie together. Regardless, every conversation brings him closer to the man and only serves in increasing his feelings. With each passing day, Buck finds himself falling for him more and more.

So when they get to their third month and Buck finds himself with another week off, he books a flight to Chicago and doesn’t tell Jay.

See, he has this idea, and while most people would tell him that it was completely reckless and idiotic to be thinking about such a thing so early on, he knew it was right. His new mindset had found him another place at the 118, a new team and family, had reunited him with his brother and caused him to meet Jay, so why not continue?

Why not throw caution to the wind and just go for it?

After all, what did he have to lose?

He leaves work on the last day and heads straight into town to pick up what he’d ordered, and then it’s back home for a quick chat with Jay where he pretends that nothing is amiss. His boyfriend looks a little more haggard than usual, tired around usually ocean blue eyes, but he waves away any concern as simply having had a long day.

Buck doesn’t push.

It tickles the back of his mind as he packs what he needs and heads off to the airport, but he tries not to give it much thought. If there was something Jay wasn’t telling him, it was likely work related, and Buck could understand that. It’s not like he’d explicitly told Jay about the previous week’s call, losing someone, and his boyfriend had simply known, understood, and been there.

Not everything needed to be said in words.

Yet it remains there, a black spot against the euphoria that comes with getting closer to Chicago, with the little velvet box in his pocket. When he finally gets to Jay’s front door, he’s so nervous and anxious that he’s bounding on the balls of his feet, trying to quell down the bile threatening to rise.

“I can do this.” He whispers, giving himself one more second to shake out the fear, and then he’s knocking, waiting for that bright smile he’s missed seeing in person so much.

Except the figure that greets him is pale and exhausted. The camera had actually hidden some of what Buck sees now – the black rings around his eyes and the slumped posture – and it immediately sets him on guard.

“You okay?” He asks, instinctively, reaching out to wrap an arm around Jay’s waist, as if trying to keep him upright.

Jay blinks, confused for a long moment. “Evan?”

“Surprise?” He says, but it’s more of a question now, devoid of his excitement.

“Oh god.” The groan he gets in response is far from how he’d imagined this going, and then Jay’s slipping back inside the house. “I thought I’d have more time.” He mumbles, and doesn’t that just spike the anxiety Buck had already been feeling into downright fear.

Had he really messed things up again so quickly?

“Jay?” He follows him inside, watching as the man slips down onto the couch and buries his head in his hands. The house is a complete disaster zone, Buck notices first, but it’s almost like he can’t bring together what he’s seeing and what Jay is saying. Confusion seems to just take over along with fear, until he’s frozen at the doorway, pale.

Jay shudders, looks up, then says. “We need to talk.”

He’s ice, ready to shatter at any moment. He can already feel the cracks forming.

Jay takes a breath, seems to steady himself. “Erin came back.”

The moment that he opens the door, there’s nothing that Jay wants more than to simply fall into his boyfriend’s arms and cry. The fact that Evan had shown up now, right when Jay needed him the most, was like a godsend, and yet…

Yet there was the fact that he hadn’t actually told him yet.

And that scares Jay beyond measure.

He can see the moment that the words hit Evan, can see the way his eyes dull and his body crumbles just slightly, and he’s pretty sure – in that moment – that he’s lost him before he’s even gotten a chance to explain.

It was strange how one person had managed to get passed every single wall he’d put up in his entire life in such a short space of time and yet… it just worked. Evan understood him like no-one else, and whether it was the shared experiences, shared pain, or the man’s innate nature to simply care and be open and want to be loved, he wasn’t sure, but he knew that he didn’t want to live without him.

Now though, one single action, one night, had brought such an immense barrier in front of them, and Jay didn’t know if they’d be okay.

Except, at that moment, Evan seems to stiffen, steel himself, a light returning to those beautiful blue eyes that Jay has come to love, and there’s a blossom of hope that bursts inside of him. “Do you want to be with her?”

“No.” The answer is immediate. It doesn’t matter that she left as soon as she arrived, that the situation is so much bigger than that. He just needs Evan to know that he’s everything Jay needs; that he doesn’t want to lose him.

Evan nods, relaxes a fraction, then slowly comes to sit beside Jay. “And… And me?”

“Forever.” He doesn’t need to even think about it. He can see it so clearly; everything he thought he never deserved to have.

It’s just… become so much more complicated at the same time.

“Okay.” Evan smiles a little, taking his hand. Jay can still see a wariness in his expression, a worry that he’s read the situation wrong, and yet he pushes forward, squeezing Jay’s hand tightly. “Then it changes nothing.”

God, he wants to believe that, but he still hasn’t said what he should. Still hasn’t gotten the words passed his lips.

_I have a daughter._

“Jay,” Evan continues, taking the other man’s silence as agreement, “from the moment I met you, I knew there was something special about you, and these past months, getting the chance to know you, have been some of the best of my life. I’m not afraid to say that I love you, and that I want to spend my life with you. I don’t want to hold back from the good things any more. I don’t want to hold myself back from what feels so right. I love you, Jay Halstead, and I want you to be my forever. So…”

Jay can only watch in disbelief, tears pricking at his tired eyes, as Evan slips down to one knee and produces a ring box from his pocket.

“Will you marry me?”

The ring shines like a beacon, sterling silver and encrusted with his birth stone, signalling everything Jay wants from this life of his. Yet the single word that he knows he wants to yell from the rooftops with every fibre of his being is lodged in his throat.

A choke escapes him instead, followed by the whisper of the other man’s name, and then Evan’s eyes are dulling second by second and he knows he’s doing this all wrong. Yet it’s only when the box snaps shut, when Evan is standing, that he manages to reach out and grab his wrist so tightly, because he never wants to let go.

He refuses to let Evan go.

“I want nothing more.” He says softly, cheeks wet. “But I… I need to tell you something… first…”

It stops Evan from fleeing at least, hurt abating just slightly. He nods, frozen once more. “Okay.”

He stands, tugs Evan down the hallway. “Erin came for one reason only. She… she didn’t want her anymore.” Then he’s pushing open the bedroom door and leading Evan over to the recently – hastily – rearranged side that now contains an array of baby products and furniture. There, sound asleep in her bassinet, is his daughter.

“Isabella Halstead.” He resists the urge to brush his hand against the curls on her head, not wanting to wake her when he just got her to sleep. “I didn’t know.”

Evan simply blinks down at the bassinet, then at Jay. “H-How long?”

“Six days.” He whispers, even though a part of him can’t imagine a time without her now. The past days may have been mostly sleepless, he may have been hurting, but they were also some of his best. “I just… I needed to get my head around it.”

“I understand.” Evan replies softly, slipping a hand into Jay’s and squeezing. “I’m not… I understand.”

Jay feels himself deflate instantly, leaning into Evan. “I was scared…”

“You don’t have to be.” Another squeeze. “Forever means forever.”

“Forever.” He whispers, because it does seem too good to be true, especially after the reactions he got from his supposed team at PD. Still, he needs to know for sure. He isn’t just thinking of himself anymore. “Are you sure you want to take us both on?”

Bella fusses in the bassinet, fists clenching and eyes screwing shut, cry erupting from her lips. In one fell swoop, Evan picks her up, settling her against his chest like he’s done it so many times before and rocking his hips gently, swaying her.

Before his very eyes, Bella – who had taken days to accept her own father’s presence, never mind anyone else’s – calms instantly, blue eyes blinking up at Evan.

Then she giggles.

And suddenly everything in Jay’s body is screaming _damn it to hell_ , because he knows – in that one second – that he loves this man with every fibre of his being.

Evan’s eyes seem to sparkle as he looks down at her, pulling silly faces, and then he’s looking back at Jay with nothing less than steel determination. “I want nothing more.”

“Then ask me again.”

Things happen quickly from there, and where Evan might have once held himself back from such commitment unless he’d thought every possibility through, such thoughts are now far behind him.

Every atom in his body is singing, pounding with nothing less than pure joy as they head to the courthouse the next day with Kelly – neither wanting to wait – and not only cement their love for each other, but all three of them as a **family**.

He places several signatures with the widest of grins, and then he’s officially **Evan Halstead** – **husband and father** , two things he never thought he’d have – and he’s never felt happier. They spend the rest of the week organising the purchase of a family home in LA, in planning the move, and then they’re saying goodbye to Kelly, promising to visit often, and leaving Chicago behind them.

From nearly two weeks prior, to then, Jay can’t believe the change. From having Erin show up at his doorstep with a crying baby and handing over all rights to him, to telling PD and having them do everything but take his side (he still can’t get Voight’s words out of his head, blaming him for Erin leaving for good, calling him reckless), he never would have thought he would end up here; travelling across states with his daughter and new husband, happy.

He’s pretty sure Evan feels the same too, and thanks anyone listening for giving them both this chance.

Trudy, bless her, managed to secure him a transfer to the LAPD once his paternity leave was over, while Evan wrangles an extra week off from his Captain in order to finalise the move, decorate the house, and everything else that comes with their suddenly bright future.

It’s only on their last day together before Evan returns to work, curled up in the warmth of each other, that he realises he never said it back.

“I love you.” He whispers softly, pressing kisses into Evan’s shoulder.

The other man just pulls him closer, pressing their lips together, and says, “I love you too.”

This, they both think, is pure happiness.

_Four months_ , Bobby’s brain supplies the moment he arrives in his office, eyes glued to the calendar on the desk. Four months to the day since he’d relinquished Buck to B shift, and not a day had gone by where he didn’t regret it.

The team had fallen apart since then. Not professionally, of course, but they weren’t a family anymore, and he knew he only had himself to blame.

It’s strange that they never realised how much Buck had been the glue of the team – their central core – always bursting with happiness and a smile.

Hen is quieter now.

Chimney doesn’t joke as much.

And Eddie…

Eddie is always angry.

Bobby blames himself even more for that one, because everything that Eddie is feeling is because of him.

He was the one who kept Buck from returning, who all but pushed him away, and who then let him go when things got tough.

He’s the one who broke them, and he just doesn’t know how to fix it.

His guilt only deepens when he catches sight of the man in question heading up the stairs, envelope in hand. He heads straight over to Bobby, to the open office door, and nods once. “Captain Nash.”

“Buck.” He doesn’t miss the flinch on the other man’s face at the nickname, and wonders if they’ve soured everything for the man. “Haven’t seen you for a while.” It’s probably the worst thing to say, judging by the twisted grimace that appears on Buck’s face.

“Different shifts.” He shrugs, but maybe he catches Bobby’s own flinch, because then he softens, just slightly. “And I’ve been on leave.”

He tries to quell the immediate panic of Buck having been hurt again. “Oh… Anywhere nice?”

“Chicago.” Buck replies, but that’s all he offers, and Bobby doesn’t blame him one bit. “I’m just leaving this for Cap.” He gestures with the envelope, then slips it onto the top of Simmons’ tray. Bobby tries to keep his face neutral – to not betray the hurt at the nickname or the curiosity at what’s inside the envelope – but he’s pretty sure he fails.

Buck simply casts him one last glance and a quiet goodbye, and then he’s gone again, and Bobby is left feeling worse than he was before.

Of course, fate doesn’t let the Halsteads be happy for long.

It’s just into December, barely a month after they got married, and a rare occurrence of snow has graced LA. It’s not much, by Chicago standards, but its enough for Evan to be outside with Bella, smiling as the seven month old seems mesmerised by the white fluff. It’s enough for them to take a quick picture for the front of their first ever family Christmas card.

It’s also enough to cause havoc on the streets, and send Evan into work early.

Truck 118, Bobby’s, is already out when Evan reaches the firehouse, having been called to an MVA. A tight feeling in his gut tells him that the day isn’t going to run as smoothly as they hope, so he sets to work quickly on filling up their own truck, 138, with gas and equipment. Anticipating a call, he sets his gear by the open truck door, hangs his freshly received turnout coat – now reading **Halstead** – into the back, and then jogs upstairs to make breakfast for his team.

He’s thankful to live close enough to be inside quickly and easily, when he sees the majority of the team trudging in then, weary already.

“MVA on the highway had me turning around and going twenty minutes in the wrong direction!” Ito complains loudly, quickly racing up the stairs. “But I smell Evan’s breakfast, so that makes everything all better!”

“You made breakfast?!” Mer shouts with glee, also racing upstairs, and Evan can’t help but grin.

He loves these people.

“118 already responded to the MVA.” Simmons tells them, already nursing a second cup of coffee. He’d arrived not long after Evan. “But LAFD wanted all teams on alert for further incidents.”

“Snow.” Nate scoffs. “We haven’t seen any in 20 years and now this.”

“You can thank the Alaskan storm.” Mer replies, mouth half stuffed with toast and jam. She also has several pieces of bacon and two eggs on her plate; an appetite to rival even Evan’s.

“Thanks Alaska.” Bex grumbles, stabbing at a piece of bacon.

The blare of the alarm sounding muffles the team’s laughter, and then Ito is yelling “We can’t even have breakfast?!” as they race down to the truck.

But where his teammates may have been feeling hunger pangs, Evan can feel nothing less than the adrenaline suddenly coursing through his system, ready to fight the forces of nature and save lives. He swings up into the truck, grabs his new turnout and shrugs it on, pride singing through him at now being able to wear Jay’s name – **their name** – for all to see. His wedding ring sits snuggly on a chain by his heart, but this… this is out there on show, and he couldn’t be more glad.

Truck 138 spurs into action, horn blaring through the air as they turn onto the street and head out to their call. In the muffled silence of the back cab, Nate grins over at Evan.

“So when **do** we get to meet this beau of yours?”

They’d all been happy for him when he’d told them, and had quickly made the change to calling him _Halstead_ or _Evan_ – because he was sure as hell leaving **Buck** and everything that came with it far in the past – but, except for Cap, he’d never actually gotten around to introducing them to Jay and Bella yet, and clearly his new turnout provided a perfect time to bring it up.

He just laughs softly. “How about this weekend? Forget the snow and let’s have a barbecue.”

“I’m in.” Nate grins, followed by a chorus of replies that reverberate around the cab, and for a long moment, they can just be happy.

Then they pull up to the incident site, see a car wrapped around a lamp-post, another having ploughed into the building beside it, and all mirth leaves the air. In an instant, their minds are focused on the task at hand, exiting the truck and immediately going for the tools they need.

“Mer and Bex, take the first car!” Simmons points to the one wrapped around the lamppost. “Ito and Celeste, second car. Nate and Evan, check the building for anyone injured, and evacuate anyone still inside!”

The building, wide and compromised of two floors, turns out to be a factory, and while the traffic conditions had prevented some of the workers from coming in that morning, there were still a lot of people who needed to be escorted safely from the building. The manager tells them that there are 47 staff who had checked in that morning; of them, only half had made it out of their own accord.

Evan can see from the open bay door they’re stood at that dust is lingering heavily in the air, obscuring vision, and he only needs to look at the brick walls and plasterboard – having seen the damage done to the building from the outside – to know that structural integrity and breathability were going to be an issue for those still inside.

He and Nate quickly head back to the truck for their breathing gear, relaying the information to Cap, and then they’re inside. They work their way towards the damage site, leading out anyone they find, thankfully none with injuries so far, until they make it to the front end of the car, buried under rubble.

Flashlights illuminate the underside of the vehicle and the surrounding area, but neither can see any sign of a person. “No injuries at this end, Cap!” Nate calls into the radio, but Evan’s eyes are already widening at the sight of the actual undercarriage.

“Car’s sparking!” He jumps back just as the entirety of the vehicle seems to shudder and spark, pulling Nate with him. “Shit! Car’s live!”

“Patient self-extricated before arrival.” Cap tells them. “Truck 118 and ambulance 91 on route. ETA 3 minutes.” There’s a pause, and they can hear him through the gap in the wall, yelling about getting the power turned off. “Anything flammable that end?”

“Nothing we can see.” Evan reports. “But machinery likely has oil in.”

“We still have five people unaccounted for Cap.” Nate adds.

“Okay…” A deep sigh, and neither envies the decisions he has to make. “Check in every five. We’ll keep you updated on the situation from out here.”

“Copy.”

They’d cleared the main area of the factory, but there was still an extended area on the other side of the building that they’d yet to access.

Heading up to the second floor and then through a side hallway lined with doors, they manage to find three of the workers with ease. Secluded in a room far from the damage site, they hadn’t even been aware that anything was going on. It’s only when Evan asks them where the two remaining people are that the anxiety he’d felt all morning settles into lead in his stomach.

“Cap, we’ve got several highly explosive chemicals in a back room of the factory.” He reports into his radio. “Remaining two workers are back there. Where are we with the car?”

It had set aflame only a few minutes prior, and the team outside were attacking it with foam hoses to try and keep it contained.

“Flames have moved to the plasterboard.” He reports back grimly. “Diaz and Bosko are inside with hoses. You both need to get out of there as soon as you’re able.”

“Copy.”

They quickly usher the three workers outside, then race back in for the last two. Evan can see his oxygen tank running a little low, but he knows from experience that he’s got enough for now, as long as everything goes to plan.

As per his luck, it does not.

Bursting through the door to the small room they’ve been told the workers are in, they’re met with startled gazes through plastic goggles and face masks, gloves hands preparing a chemical mixture.

Evan wastes no time in telling them to cap the items they’re using and exit the room; that a fire is spreading and their colleagues are already outside. He speaks calmly though, not wanting to incite panic in the two men. Unfortunately, one of the men’s hands start to shake as he’s screwing the lid back on the tub he’s holding, the cap flicking from his hand to the floor and some of the chemical spilling.

The man swears, reaching for the cap with his gloved hands, but his foot slips in the liquid, twisting awkwardly. Another swear escapes him, this time more like a cry, but he manages to stay upright, to reaffix the cap and put the tub back with his colleague’s one. It’s only when he moves to grab a bag of sawdust for the spillage that another cry escapes him, and Evan realises the injury might be bad enough to hamper their exit.

“Halstead! Young!” Their radios crackle, but Evan forces himself to tune it out, just for a moment. He knows they’re running out of time, but they have to do this right. “Fire’s spreading to your section! Evacuate now!”

“Copy Cap.” Nate responds for them.

Motioning for Nate to take the uninjured worker out, Evan focuses on moving the injured man back, supporting him with one arm, while he dumps the bag of sawdust on the spillage himself. “Just two more minutes Cap!” He yells into the radio. The last thing they need is to make the chances of any explosion worse, or make the air toxic.

Job done, Evan wraps his arm tightly around the man beside him and begins helping him out. He heads back the way they came, to the main area, as Nate radios back that the exit is secure for now.

But leaving behind the Buckley name didn’t equate to leaving behind the bad luck too, and he’s only just gotten through the doorway into the main area when he realises that the situation has worsened greatly. A flash of hot flame heats his skin even beneath his gear as it licks every wall, surface, that he can see. An ominous creak echoes above him, and then chunks of the ceiling are coming down, blocking off the doorway they just came through.

He knows he has to get them both out of there. Now.

He promised Jay and Bella that he would come home, and he isn’t about to break that promise.

“Halstead! Get out of there! Now!” The radio crackles beneath his panting breaths as he dodges flame and debris.

“I’m almost there, Cap!”

He’s back down on the first floor now, can see the doorway, taste freedom, but then his ears are filled with a voice that almost stops him in his tracks.

Eddie.

“God dammit Buck! Stop trying to be a hero all the time!”

And even with all the progress he’s made, the words are like arrows. He’s still moving, but suddenly all he can hear is ringing, loud and intense and whining. He can’t hear the call of his Captain or his team-mates, the panicked cries of the man on his arm.

Only one sound cuts through, an almighty boom, and then he’s throwing himself on top of the man beside him and praying that it’s enough.

Eddie doesn’t know what’s going on.

One minute they’re fighting against the spread of fire inside the warehouse and the next minute he’s outside, watching the flames tear through the building, section by section. They have hoses on the outer walls, hoping to slow the flames enough to give Simmons’ men time to find the remaining workers, but it’s doing little against the old, mould ridden plasterboard on the inside of the factory and the red hot steel.

He can feel the flames from here, see the tell-tale black smoke starting to billow upwards, deadly and ominous.

Then Simmons is yelling into his radio, screaming for someone called Halstead to get out, but then all Eddie can hear is Buck yelling that he’s almost there, and suddenly Eddie’s mind is whirling, and his mouth is opening before he can stop it.

“God dammit Buck! Stop trying to be a hero all the time!”

One firefighter in there was bad enough. Why was Buck running back inside, even if it was to help?

Why did he constantly feel the need to put himself at risk, to try and be the hero?

Why had he left Eddie behind in his fight against the department, only to keep throwing himself into danger?

Simmons is screaming into his radio now, but it’s drowned out completely by the intense boom that fills the air, flames shooting up towards the sky. It makes Eddie’s ears ring, eyes wide and reflecting the devastation, and then…

“EVAN!”

The cry is raw and heavy.

Eddie’s gaze turns slowly to a man, close to the entryway of the building, knocked backwards onto his back from the blast. He’s pushed himself up enough to eye the inside of the now smoke filled building, and only the reflective yellow stripes on his arms give him away as a firefighter.

_Was this Halstead?_ Eddie wonders, before the implication of the cry hits him. _Had Buck still been inside?_

A second later, he sees Bobby race into the smoke with another firefighter, but Eddie feels frozen to the floor, paralysed by the sudden realisation that some of the last things he could have ever said to Buck – to the man he’d purported to be his best friend and hoped could have been more – were said with spite and anger.

And as he watches the entryway for any sign, tight chested and sick, Eddie’s pretty sure he can’t breathe.

_I’m sorry._

There’s a split second after the boom where Bobby feels frozen, unable to believe what he’s seeing, but the second that a cry of Buck’s name reaches his ears, he’s running.

Mereen joins him, racing into the smoke without a second thought, but Bobby’s sole thoughts are on finding Buck, on him being okay, because it doesn’t end like this.

It can’t end like this.

Not when he hasn’t apologised yet.

It’s the dreaded wail of a PASS alarm that reaches their ears rather than a shout or even a cry, and it turns the blood in Bobby’s veins to ice, because it means that Buck is unconscious, trapped or both.

The blast has brought down several sections of the upper balcony area, the metal now twisted and charred, and they track the PASS to a large heap of rubble close to the entry way.

He was almost out.

Jets of water hold back the flames from them as they work, shifting the rubble as carefully but as quickly as they can.

“Evan?”

“Buck?”

He’s unconscious, helmet and mask knocked askew, blood trickling from his hairline to his chin. His eyelids don’t even flutter as they call his name, and Bobby finds himself shaking as he assists Bex and Celeste with putting Buck on a backboard and fitting him with a c-collar. He can see Hen and Chim in the corner of his vision, focused on the man Buck had protected from the blast, but worried gazes still looking up as they lift the backboard Buck is now strapped to onto the stretcher.

Bobby almost blanks out from there, hand gripping Buck’s so tightly as he climbs into the ambulance beside him.

He doesn’t care that Buck isn’t on his team anymore; that it should be Simmons in his place.

This is his kid, and he’s not going to let himself walk away from him again.

Except, as they enter the ER amongst a flurry of doctors and nurses, Bobby wonders what exactly he walked away from, and knows for certain that it was one of the biggest mistakes he’d ever made.

“Halstead.” Celeste says. “His name is Evan Halstead.”

Simmons’ hand is firm on Nate’s shoulder as they enter the ER waiting room. He can feel the other man practically vibrating with worry, and isn’t quite sure what he may or may not say to Captain Nash when they see him.

Nate had already been angry at the site when they realised Bobby had gone into the ambulance with Evan, loudly exclaiming that the other man had no right to be there with him. Simmons wasn’t quite sure how he would react now, given the severity of the situation. In the short months that they’d gotten to know Evan, Nate had become extremely protective of the other man, especially in regards to how Nash had treated him.

Thankfully, he seems too exhausted with worry to do more than throw a venomous “you shouldn’t be here” at the other Captain, before slumping down into one of the free chairs.

Simmons, however, doesn’t hold anything against Bobby. He’s known the man long enough that, much as he disagreed with Bobby’s choices regarding Evan, he understood why they had been made. He knew from his own experiences what it was like to get attached to your team – to see them as family – and how hard it was when they got hurt.

He wasn’t going to deny the pain riddling his chest at the thought of Evan not pulling through.

So he understood the difficulties that came with juggling the two roles, and could see the moment that Bobby rushed inside that he wasn’t going to be pulled away from Evan’s side.

Except, of course, for now, when – like the rest of them – all he could do was wait and hope and pray.

So, slipping down beside him, Simmons says softly. “He’s a tough kid. He’ll be okay.”

Bobby flashes him a grateful smile, but the haunted look of the man’s eyes tells him that there are several things taking up the man’s conscience right then, and that there is little he can do to help.

So he pats the man’s knee and stands again, moving over to Nate. Quietly, he says. “You may not understand it – heck, I don’t think even Evan does – but… he cares. So, be good.”

Nate blinks up at him. “Where are you going?”

Simmons just heaves a sigh. “I have to call Jay.”

“I still can’t believe you’ve met him.” Bex pipes up from beside Bobby, a small smirk on her lips. “I’m starting to think he isn’t real.” Simmons can tell from the slump of her shoulders that the situation is killing her, and having to be in the back and treat Evan was likely going to haunt her for a while, but he’s thankful for her trying to inject some lightness into the room.

“Yeah, I think Ev just changed his name for laughs.” Celeste agrees with a matching smirk to her wife.

Simmons smiles. “I can assure you, he’s very real. Just you wait until you’re all wrapped around Bella’s little finger.” It quickly fades though as he’s reminded of the gravity of the situation before them. That Bella could lose one of her fathers before she’s even gotten the chance to know him.

He remembers the day Evan came back from Chicago the second time, how he’d arrived an hour before shift, hand in hand with a tall dark haired man wearing an easy smile, free hand carrying a car seat with a baby swaddled inside. He remembers how nervous the man had been, but how he’d felt they should all meet ‘just in case’ even though he was sort of uneasy about what the team might think.

He’d thanked Evan for his trust, told him that the team would be ecstatic, and had spent the next thirty minutes with a bright eyed baby cooing up at him before she fussed for her fathers.

None of them had thought ‘just in case’ would come; or that it would come so quickly.

“I can’t live on pictures anymore!” Bex complains, throwing her hands in the air dramatically. “I need cuddles!”

He leaves them somewhat smiling, and heads outside to make the call, praying that it’s the only one he ever has to make.

Jay had just settled down to lunch for himself and Bella when his phone screen lights up. The moment he sees the name _Capt. Simmons_ on the screen, his heart lurches in his chest. Trembling hands answer the call, sickness washing over him as Paul explains that Evan was caught in a blast and found unconscious; that they’re at the hospital now waiting for news.

He doesn’t think he’s ever moved as fast as he does then, bundling Bella and her necessary items into the car and racing over to Maddie’s. He apologises for having to drop Bella on her along with the news, when he knows she would want to be at the hospital too, but there isn’t anyone else he can trust with Bella, and he can’t bring her when he doesn’t know how long they might be there for.

She just smiles through teary eyes, pressing a kiss to her niece’s head, and says, “I know someone Evan trusts with his life.”

Which is how they find themselves at the house of one Eddie Diaz, a man whom Jay has never met but has heard so many things about; not all of them good. For a long moment he wants to tell Maddie no, but she’s shaking her head at him like she already knows what he’s thinking, unstrapping Bella from her car seat and heading to the door.

Carla Price is everything Evan had mentioned, and more. She immediately sets him at ease in regard to looking after Bella, adding that she would bring her over to the hospital once Evan was awake.

“That boy has nine lives, you know.” She tells them, then softer. “And if Buckaroo is hurt, Eddie **should** be there.” Maddie had already mentioned to him that she looked after Christopher.

_Clearly she isn’t happy with Diaz either_ , Jay thinks to himself with a wry smile before thanking her.

“I really appreciate it.”

She just presses a kiss to his cheek and has Bella wave bye from her arms. “I’m just sorry we never got to meet sooner.”

He can sense there’s a little more to the story there, but doesn’t press. He simply kisses his daughter goodbye for now and slips back into the car with Maddie. But the question must read loud in his expression because as soon as the doors close, she looks at him and says.

“He’s stayed away from her, for Chris’ sake. But she’s always been a good friend to him.”

“He shouldn’t have had to.” Jay replies, peeling away towards the hospital.

“No.” Maddie agrees. “He shouldn’t.”

Perhaps it’s that they’re on the same page from the get-go, but the moment they step into the waiting room, both immediately head towards Simmons and Evan’s current team, rather than the dejected forms of his former team.

“Paul.” Jay greets the Captain with a small smile, though worry lines his eyes. “How is he?”

“In surgery.” Simmons responds with a sigh. “They haven’t told us much beyond that they found a severe bleed.”

Jay feels the moment the air is punched out of him, and slips down into an empty chair, hands tangled in his hair. He can hear Paul telling him to take slow breaths, that Evan will be okay, but Jay can’t control the fear that’s running through him in that moment.

“I know you don’t know us.” A soft, soothing voice speaks from the other side of him. “But we’re here for you.” He looks up at a woman he recognises from Evan’s photos as Mereen, and nods once in return. He wants to believe her – is glad that they’re here.

“And, uh,” She places a dark lump into his lip, smile tugging at her lips just slightly, “we managed to save it. Only arrived yesterday.”

He looks down, sees the shining lettering that reads **Halstead** , and recognises it for what it is; Evan’s turnout coat. It makes him smile, if only just.

“He’s so proud.”

His mouth parts to reply, but then his fingers catch flecks of dried blood, and his stomach sours once more, the words dying in his throat.

Together, they sit and wait.

It takes two hours before someone comes to see them, and Jay’s legs are practically aching with how long they’ve been bouncing up and down on the linoleum for. He’s thankful at least to have avoided any awkward conversations with his husband’s former team; Maddie ‘the guard dog’ Buckley having glared at any of them who came even close to asking who he was or why he was here.

“Family of Evan Halstead?”

As soon as a doctor starts to approach them he’s up like lightning, forgetting anyone around him. “I’m his husband. Is he okay?”

The doctor smiles softly, “He’s going to be fine,” and it’s like a weight is suddenly lifted from his shoulders. “There was a severe bleed in his abdominal region caused by an impacted piece of metal, but we’ve repaired the damage. He’s had two transfusions, and his stats are fine. He also has a moderate concussion, but all scans have come back negative for anything to be concerned about. He’ll be sore, and likely dazed when he wakes up, but I expect a full recovery.”

He can hear the murmurings of Evan’s current and former teams behind him, a light caphony of relief and confusion, but he doesn’t care about any of that. All he cares about in that moment is seeing his husband.

“Can I see him?”

The doctor nods, relieving Jay’s anxiety further. “He’s not awake yet, but we can allow family in for now.”

“His sister is here too.” Jay responds, waving Maddie over, then he’s turning to Simmons and the team with a smile. “We’ll let you know when he’s awake?”

“We’re not going anywhere.” Simmons responds with his own smile, and Jay’s so thankful to have them in Evan’s corner.

He can see Evan’s former team in his peripheral vision, the bright tears in Bobby Nash’s eyes, and for a split second, his heart goes out to the man.

Evan had explained over their initial video calls about the situation he’d found himself in, and how it hurt that Bobby hadn’t trusted him, that Hen and Chim had followed his lead in seeming indifferent, that Eddie now seemed to hate him for a reason Evan couldn’t understand. But it had been a week or so after their marriage when Evan confessed, late one night, that he now understood where Bobby – a man he’d thought of as a father – had been coming from.

“He didn’t go about it the right way, but… having Bella… I think I understand now the lengths you go to, to protect your child.”

“You’re not his kid.” Jay had argued softly, if only because he still didn’t understand how anyone could hurt someone as sweet and caring as Evan.

“I thought I was.” Evan whispered in reply, blue eyes shining. “Maybe that’s why it hurt so much.”

The rest of them, he has little forgiveness for, but he can see in that moment that Nash cares, that he wants to make it right, so he takes a second to give the man a nod before he’s turning and heading deeper into the hospital, towards Evan.

For all his time sat in the waiting room, fearing for his husband, he’s glad to see Evan looking much better than his panicked mind had conjured. There’s a small bandage at his husband’s temple, and he’s paler than usual, but there’s enough colour in his cheeks combined with the steady beat of the heart monitor that Jay doesn’t fret.

The doctor explains that the anaesthesia would have left his system by now, but that he was still on heavy painkillers, so it could be a while before he woke.

Jay just sits in one of the chairs beside the bed and takes his husband’s hand. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Maddie, taking the seat opposite, does the same.

They sit quietly for a while, maintaining a constant vigil over Evan. Every so often Jay lets his thumb caress Evan’s hand, leaning down to whisper at his ear how much he loves him and needs to see him open his beautiful blue eyes again.

After the third or fourth time, Maddie looks over, smiling over at Jay. “He’s lucky to have you.”

“I’m lucky to have him.” Jay replies instantly, smiling back at her. “Sometimes I wonder if it’s crazy how fast we fell for each other but… I think it’s just fate.”

“I was definitely surprised when he told me you’d gotten married.” She says with a short laugh. “But I think mainly because I wanted to have planned the wedding.”

“Maybe when Bella’s old enough, we’ll do it again.”

Maddie beams. “Oh, she’d be the most beautiful flower girl!”

“She’s my flower girl…” A weak voice rasps, and both jump, staring down at a now awake Evan Halstead.

“Evan!” Tears are already filling Maddie’s eyes as she presses a kiss to his forehead. “You need to stop scaring me.”

“Don’t mean to.” He whispers, before Jay is pressing a soft kiss to his lips.

“I agree with your sister. I don’t ever want a phone call like that again.”

To his credit, Evan manages a dry chuckle as Maddie brings some ice chips to his lips. The cool liquid soothing his throat, Evan looks up at his husband and says. “I’ll do my best.”

“Yeah, yeah, hero.” Jay whispers with another kiss, knowing that trying to change his husband would be like asking a tiger to be a puppy.

“How bad?” Evan asks after a moment, voice shaking just slightly. Jay can only imagine that he’s thinking back to the truck bombing and the embolism.

“You’re fine.” He replies softly. “Doc said you’d be back to work in a month too.”

“Yeah?” Shining blue eyes look up at him, as if daring him to lie.

“Yeah.” He drops another kiss to Evan’s lips, starved of his touch after so many hours of worry. “In the meantime, you get a month off with your husband and daughter.”

At this, Evan smiles wide. “Sounds like heaven.”

Maddie beams at the two of them, before squeezing Evan’s hand softly to draw his attention to her. “Do you want me to send someone else in? I should call Carla and let her know you’re awake.”

“You saw Carla?” Evan asks with a frown. It had hurt him having to stay away from the vivacious woman he’d come to adore, but he’d done it for Chris’ sake.

“Who do you think has Bella?” Jay asks with a laugh. “She’s definitely something.”

“Something amazing.” Evan grins. “But, uh, yeah… could you send Cap in? And Nate?”

He can feel the relief flooding off the two of them as they enter into the room, both smiling widely at him.

“Good to see you awake, kiddo.” Simmons says. “You gave us a scare.”

“So I’ve been told.”

“Hey.” Nate punches him lightly on the arm. “Is it really too much that we care about you?”

“Face it, kid. You’ve got more family than you can poke a stick at.” Simmons squeezes his hand, still smiling. “The moment we realised you were still inside, Bobby and Mer were gone.”

Nate shoots a glare at their Captain, but Simmons pays him no heed, waiting as Evan comprehends his words, eyes widening just a fraction.

“B-Bobby?”

“He cares, kid. More than I think you know.” The Captain replies. “He didn’t leave your side until they got to the ER.”

At this Evan is blinking back tears, gaze searching out his husband. For a long moment they seem to be having a silent conversation, before Evan turns back to them. “Not to… cut this short, but… can I see him?”

Simmons can feel Nate stiffen beside him, but rests a hand on the younger’s shoulder, squeezing. “We’ll be right outside.”

He may have refused to leave Buck’s side until he had to, may have sat in the waiting room for several hours, but Bobby Nash still had refused to let himself hope that Buck would actually want to see him. After everything, he’d be surprised.

So when Simmons appears with a disgruntled looking Nate and tells Bobby “Evan wants to talk to you,” he can practically feel his eyeballs bulging from their sockets.

Still, he thanks everything in the universe that he might get a chance to just apologise, even if Buck doesn’t forgive him, and heads into the hospital room.

The man who had introduced himself to the doctor as Buck’s husband stands at the threshold, gaze boring into Bobby’s. “Don’t hurt him,” is all he says, and then Bobby is left alone with the man in the bed.

“Buck…” He hesitates a step or two closer, unsure how far to go.

Buck, even after everything, just smiles softly and inclines his head to one of the empty seats beside him. “I don’t really go by that anymore.”

Bobby nods, even if he doesn’t quite understand why. “You’re married.” It had been quite a shock to assume when they’d brought him into the ER and Celeste had states the man’s new name, it was another thing for said husband to show up in the flesh.

“Everything that happened… Jay and Bella are the best things to come out of it.”

“Bella?” Bobby asks. He doesn’t feel like he deserves to know anything about the kid anymore, really, but Evan seems to be being open with him, and he can’t deny the curiosity.

“Our daughter.” Evan says simply, and it knocks Bobby breathless for a moment. His kid had grown so much, and he hadn’t been there to see it. Taking advantage of the silence, Evan continues, voice soft and curious rather than accusing. “Why did you go in for me?”

Bobby blinks, understanding dawning on him a fraction later. Had he really pushed him away that much; to the point where the kid thought he didn’t care at all? His guilt intensifies, but the answer is instant. “You’re my kid.”

He watches as Evan visibly swallows, nods almost to himself, then says. “I know.”

It’s not at all the response he’d expected, and it sets Bobby back another half step. A moment passes, and then he slips into the chair previously offered, takes Evan’s hand, and squeezes softly. For a moment, he just reminds himself that Evan is there; that he’s okay.

“We both made a mess of things didn’t we?” Evan continues, tears shining in his eyes.

Bobby’s gaze matches it. “I should have talked to you.”

“You should have.” Evan agrees. “But I think I understand now. The lengths I’d go for Bella…”

Bobby smiles softly at the thought of Evan being a parent now. “It changes you.”

“It’s barely been a month but… I get it, Bobby, I do…”

“I’m still sorry.” The Captain admits. “I never should have let it happen, never mind get this far.”

“It’s okay.” Evan replies, and maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. Bobby’s pretty sure they have a long way to go until they’re anything close to how they were, but he hopes this is the start. A soft squeeze of his hand, almost a promise, has him choking back a sob, and then commotion at the door has them both turning, musical giggles filling the air.

Not a second later, Jay reappears, trailed by Carla and a young baby cooing happily in her arms.

“Someone wants to see her Dada.” Jay grins.

Carla bustles over, reluctantly relinquishing the child to Evan’s outstretched arms. “Boy, you better have a damn good reason for keeping such a precious flower a secret.”

Evan just laughs softly, pressing a kiss to her cheek as he holds the child close. “God, I’ve missed you Carla.”

She raises a brow at him. “You never had any reason to stay away, Buckaroo.” She can see the way his eyes dim just slightly though, so quickly adds. “But if it means you bring home a boo and a baby, I’m all good.”

“Well I think Bella will definitely need her godmother to look after her sometimes when we both go back to work.” Evan says with a grin, sparkle returning full force, a hint of mischievousness in his grin.

“Boy, are you screwin’ with me?”

“Carla, we’d be honoured.” Jay also grins. “She’s gonna have the biggest family.”

“Fun times with Aunty Carla and Aunt Maddie.” Evan continues, pressing a kiss to the child’s head before his gaze turns back to Bobby, smile softening but no less genuine. “And of course, weekends with Grandpa.”

Bobby once again is left speechless, while Jay catches his husband’s gaze for another brief moment, a silent conversation. Then Jay is reaching for Bella, hoisting her into his arms and moving to the other side of the bed, beside Bobby.

“Do you want to hold her?”

It’s the greatest sign of trust they could give him, and he’s never been more grateful. He knows how badly he screwed things up, and he knows he’ll do everything he can to make it right again, yet as he looks down at the bundle of joy in his arms, sees the love shared between the three of them, he can’t quite bring himself to regret it either.

Sometimes, silence truly does become golden.

In the waiting room of the hospital, Eddie doesn’t expect to hear his son calling for him, and yet the tell-tale sound of crutches reaches his ear, the delighted giggles from his son raising his spirits instantly. “Christopher?”

“Daddy!”

Of course Carla would have found out about Buck, would know they were at the hospital, yet the sight of a baby in her arms confuses him to no end.

Until, at least, Christopher decides to clamber into his lap with a grin. “Bucky has a baby!”

Those four simple words are an arrow in Eddie’s chest as he realises, truly, how much everything has changed between himself and the man he’d called his best friend. Perhaps it was the panic draining out of him at the knowledge that Buck was okay, the sudden shock of a husband and now a baby, but Eddie finds himself breaking.

For months he’d let his fear of behind left behind dictate his actions towards Buck; had made him be the one to _leave_ rather than _be left_. Yet now, with the impact staring him in the face, he knows he’s broken their relationship and anything it could have been beyond repair.

Tears prick at his eyes, but he doesn’t let them fall.

He brought this on himself.

So he lets Carla take Chris in to see Buck, but he doesn’t ask to enter himself. He knows he no longer has that right.

And at the end of the day, when they’re finally forced to leave, he promises himself that he’ll be better; that he’ll be there for Buck like he always should have been.

Even if it’s painfully obvious that he isn’t needed anymore.

And he only has himself to blame.

A week later sees Evan released from the hospital, and the first thing Bobby does is invite the family round for dinner.

While Athena had accompanied Bobby to the hospital on multiple occasions after finding out about Evan being hurt, they somehow had not crossed paths with Jay and Bella again, and it had made for the slightly hilarious situation that Athena still didn’t know about them.

This, combined with Evan’s ability to only watch Youtube videos for a week, had them purposefully keeping it a secret by the end of the week, with the intention of surprising her.

The small family had just arrived at Bobby’s house and entered through the open front door when Evan hears voices coming from the kitchen.

“Our boy hasn’t been over in too long because of your foolish ass, and you’re telling me to stop putting out food?” He can hear Athena, and he almost gives the game away by laughing. “What has he been eating?”

Shooting Jay a wide grin, he brings them out from behind the wall. “I mean my husband’s a pretty good cook, so…”

The way Athena’s mouth drops open and her eyes widen is so hilariously comical that Evan is glad Jay’s recording it on his phone, more so when she looks between Jay and Bella, then says. “Where in the world did you get a baby from, Evan Buckley?”

He can’t drop the shit eating grin on his face as he says. “Evan Halstead, actually, and you see ‘thena, when two daddies really love each other…”

“Boy, don’t you start with me.” She waves the wooden spoon in her hand at him, and he can’t help but actually burst out laughing at that.

“Bobby, a little help.” He grins over instead at his pseudo-father.

Bobby too is grinning behind Athena. “Maybe she just needs to hold her granddaughter?”

“My what?!” Athena whirls between her husband and the little family.

Evan can’t stop laughing as he waves one of Bella’s little arms. “Hi Grandma.”

**Author's Note:**

> WOW. Okay, so, that became a BEAST. I honestly never intended to write this much, and could probably write a lot more (like giving Eddie some redemption too) but this has been a week of solid work already, haha. I hope you’ve enjoyed it, and I promise I’ll be getting back to my chapter fics. I’ve just been enjoying working on oneshots for a change.


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